Four Layers in Every Argument That Keeps You Stuck
It’s very common for two people to see the same situation and have completely different responses to it. We can think of conflict in four layers.
Layer 1 - The Story
Arguments tend to open up with the story such as who’s carrying the mental load, who has a more stressful job, who has more free time, who initiates sex more, who is picking up after the other, who’s spending more time with the kids, who puts in more effort in the relationship, how often should the floors be mopped, when is it okay to use the phone and for how long, how do we want to spend our free time, who is more productive in the relationship, how much screen time is too much for the kids, etc. This is what couples think they’re fighting about. It usually leans towards behavior. And couples can continue to argue about this for years.
Layer 2- The Meaning
Underneath each story is a meaning that each partner gives to the same story. If the story is about the dishes in the sink, then the meaning is what the dishes in the sink say about our relationship. This is your perception and assumption of what is happening. If you cared about me then you would do x, if you loved me than you would do x, nothing I do is ever enough, I always disappointment my partner, no matter how hard I try it doesn’t matter, my partner is never satisfied, I am not important, etc. It’s an interpretation of the story. This interpretation also reveals what partners long for.
Layer 3 - Self-Protection
When the meaning is dismissed by your partner, then each individual goes into self-protection. This is the part of you that will start to protect you from potential sadness, hurt, pain, vulnerability. Everyone has a strategy to protect themselves. One person withdraws, the others pursues, one gets louder, the other becomes silent, one criticizes, the other defends, one becomes anxious, the other avoidant, one wants to talk it out immediately and other other wants space. The goal here is self-preservation, how we go about it is the strategy.
Layer 4- The Cycle
If protection is how we use individual strategies, then the cycle is how these strategies interact together. The cycle is a predictable pattern that underlies most of your conflict. It is a prediction of what your response will be and what they create when they are brought together. Your own protective strategy collides with your partners protective strategy. The more one partner does x, the more the other does y. The more one partner pursues, the more the other partner withdraws. The more the other partner withdraws, the more one partner pursues.
Most couples start and stick with the story but that’s how couples get stuck in the same arguments. Understanding your cycle and working your way up is what will make the difference.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
If you think back on the last three complaints that you had in the relationship, what meaning did you assign to those complaints ?
When you’re bringing up a complaint, are you talking about the impact that it has on you or are you compiling a laundry list of things your partner did wrong?
What kind of self-protection strategy do you use? Where did you learn it from? Who did you see using it?
How does your strategy interact with your partners strategy? If you do more of ______, then your partner does more of _______?
In moments of conflict, what do you wish your partner would be able to give you?
